Case #38: The Confidence Game

The city was dark, cold and wet.  Like an out of work private eye dumped in a garbage bin in the alleyway below his office window after being jumped by two punk kids with more blackjacks than decency.  I'm just saying.

I was, as always, flat broke.  So I guess I got the last laugh when the punks ran off with my empty wallet.  Or, I would have got it, except that the pounding my head took had eliminated my sense of irony.  And my sense of smell, oddly enough.

I climbed out of the bin, wiped the slime off my face, and emptied the bottle of scotch I kept hidden in the crack in the wall behind the bin for situations like this.  Yeah, it's happened before.  It's just another night in the big city for this lone wolf.  Oregon Deadwood, Private Eye. 

 

Hiatus

Fern and Sprout drink milk with meals, otherwise, we are a water-only household.  The main exception is when the kids get the flu and we give them Gatorade.  The kids love Gatorade.

When Sprout was about four and a half, he was trying to convince me to give him some. 

"Poppa, can I have Gatorade?"

"Are you sick?"

"No..."

"Then why should I give you any?"

"Because...I think I don't have any electric lights in me."

Mortgages

When I was in grad school, an old friend of mine transferred up from San Diego State.  We didn't have classes together, but we hung out: tennis, golf, cards, that kind of thing.  For some reason, I didn't see his place until well into the school year.  When I finally did see the apartment, it was pretty typical for a single, male student in a rent controlled university town.  Dark, dingy, ugly carpet, holes in the walls.  I was used to all that.  However, when I went to use his bathroom, even I was shocked.

The entire toilet bowl was covered in a thick layer of black mold.  And not just the bowl.  It was all over the underside of the toilet seat, behind the seat, and even on the base.  The bathtub?  Just as bad.  Black and orange mold on the tub, on the walls, on the glass doors.  Everywhere.

I had to ask.

"Hey, Nick!  What's up with your bathroom?  It's disgusting!!"

Nick held up his hands and immediately defended himself.

"Whoa, don't blame me!  It was that way when I moved in."

The Stuff Paradox

Last Thanksgiving, we were all sitting around the dining table ready to gorge ourselves.  But first, we took part in our family tradition of telling each other what we were thankful for.  This time, my family generously decided that we would go tallest to shortest, so I could go first.  (The previous year we went most hair to least hair.)

Deadwood: Okay, let's see...I am thankful for family and health.  Rooty?

Rooty: I am thankful for family and friends.  Your turn, Fern.

Fern: Those are good.  Plus, I am thankful for shelter and food.

Rooty: How about you, Sprout?  What are you thankful for?

Sprout: White blood cells.