Mortgages

When I was in grad school, an old friend of mine transferred up from San Diego State.  We didn't have classes together, but we hung out: tennis, golf, cards, that kind of thing.  For some reason, I didn't see his place until well into the school year.  When I finally did see the apartment, it was pretty typical for a single, male student in a rent controlled university town.  Dark, dingy, ugly carpet, holes in the walls.  I was used to all that.  However, when I went to use his bathroom, even I was shocked.

The entire toilet bowl was covered in a thick layer of black mold.  And not just the bowl.  It was all over the underside of the toilet seat, behind the seat, and even on the base.  The bathtub?  Just as bad.  Black and orange mold on the tub, on the walls, on the glass doors.  Everywhere.

I had to ask.

"Hey, Nick!  What's up with your bathroom?  It's disgusting!!"

Nick held up his hands and immediately defended himself.

"Whoa, don't blame me!  It was that way when I moved in."

Pragmatic Fairy Tale #2: Rumpelstiltskin

Rumpelstiltskin

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a pretty young miller's daughter whose father apparently didn't even think enough of her to give her a name.  How messed up is that?  While this lack of identity totally messed up her formative years, it did foster a certain survivor instinct that served her quite well throughout her young adult life.

One day, the miller's daughter, due to no fault of her own, found herself locked in a tower by an evil, greedy king who threatened to kill her unless she spun straw into gold.  Having absolutely no acumen for such an odd expectation, the miller's daughter made a deal with a strange little man named Rumpelstiltskin.  (Formerly known as "Prince.")  Rumpelstiltskin would spin straw into gold in exchange for her first born child.  The arrangement worked splendidly.  In fact, they even conducted a feasibility study to expand their enterprise into the next kingdom.  (Unfortunately, foreign tax laws ate up any and all arbitrage opportunity.)  Then, one day, the miller's daughter actually gave birth, and it wasn't long before Rumpelstiltskin came to collect his dues.

The Taxman Cometh

  
A couple of years ago, Sprout was finishing up breakfast.  He was deep in thought.

Sprout: Poppa, why do women wear makeup?

Deadwood: Well, they are trying to make themselves look prettier.

Sprout: Poppa, men don't wear make up.

Deadwood: That's right.

Sprout: So women are uglier than men?

I had to think about that one.

Deadwood: Well, I've heard worse logic than that...

 

Don't Hurry, Be Happy.

A few months ago, Fern was driving me bananas.  Every stinkin' day he would ask the same thing over and over again.

"Can you buy me a shaver?"

"Can you buy me a shaver?"

"Can you buy me a shaver?"

He did not need a shaver.  But the peach fuzz over his lip was just visible enough to convince him that he did.

Then, one day, in a moment of either weakness or generosity (I'm not sure which) I finally broke down and bought him one.  The cheapest one I could find.  He was thrilled.  And because he stopped bugging me, I was too.  At least, at first.  But then he used that dang thing five times a day.

(There is only one guy on the planet who needs to shave that often.  I won't mention names.  But you know who you are, Klip.)

Rule 3: Invest Wisely (The Rock Stars)

"The Intervention"

An Original Screenplay

by

Oregon Deadwood

FADE IN:

INT. DEADWOOD'S HOME - EVENING

Three well-dressed, distinguished, intelligent, white males sit on an old and uncomfortable couch.  Well, two are distinguished.  One is kind of frumpy.  All are clearly annoyed and impatient. 

DEADWOOD, a middle-aged, average height, balding (don't you think he knows that?) blogger from the Northwest is running around putting snacks on the coffee table (chips, nuts, beer).  The doorbell rings.  Deadwood anxiously answers the door.

Rule 3: Invest Wisely (The Experts)

Several years out of college, I was having dinner with a few of my old high school buddies.  One of them, Filmore, was making an observation about cultural shifts, and lamenting our relatively disadvantaged social life growing up.

"Today, it's great.  High school kids just don't seem to care about race.  They intermingle much more, now.  In fact, interracial dating is really common.  We would have done a lot more dating if it was like this when we were teenagers."

 I was floored.  I had a completely different understanding.

"Fil, the reason we didn't get dates in high school isn't because we were minorities.  The reason we didn't get dates in high school is because we were nerds!"

 It never even occurred to him.
 

Rule 3: Invest Wisely (The Theory)

Early retirement requires sound investing.  Figuring out what that means can be tricky.

Let's say some guy is raising a family of four on a mere $300 a week.  And each week, he spends $50 of that $300 on lottery tickets.  Bad decision, right?  Now let's say one particular week he actually wins.  Like, $50 million kind of win.  Hmmm...good decision after all?