A Rant for Hallowe'en

Warning: In honor of Hallowe'en, the following is a terrifying tale of horror and despair.  An early retiree realizes he is trapped in a never ending labyrinth of consumerism from which he is powerless to escape.  Read on...if you dare!

Once upon an evening dreary, surfing sites, my eyes so bleary,
Searching for the best (sans Siri) snobby, foo foo, online store;
Eyes at rest (I was not napping), suddenly there came a tapping,
Was it UPS come rapping, rapping my McMansion door?
"Stuff, more stuff!" my gums were flapping, "on the other side of door!
One more package, yes, one more!"

The Big American Dream (Part 2)

When I was in college, I had a girlfriend who was a lot of fun to be around.  She was super cute and clever.  Funny.  Lots of laughter.  Lots of energy.  Full of life.

One day, I am driving her home when she asks me to make a quick detour.  She said it would take a bit longer, but she really wanted to show me something.  So, I followed her instructions, and we started up this small hill overlooking the valley where she lived.

We were soon in the midst of huge, "luxurious" McMansions.  She started talking.

"I really like this one.  And wait...especially THAT one.  And...that one.  But my favorite is the one coming up...it is...THAT one!  I LOVE that one!"

It was right then, at that exact moment, that I had one of the greatest epiphanies of my entire life:

Whoa.  Can't marry this one.

  

Dear Woody

Dear Woody,

I am intrigued by the recently announced split of an industry icon.  I was genuinely surprised, given all the years it was held together, not to mention the commitment that was countlessly reinforced with the press.  What is your take on all of this?

- Dazed and Confused