Arguably, the most famous collection of children's stories ever compiled was Grimms' Fairy Tales, first published by the Grimm brothers in 1812. Often gruesome and violent, even to the point of psychologically scarring many sensitive, innocent children (I'm just saying), these stories, along with countless others, served as much more than mere entertainment. They communicated valuable lessons to the children of their day:
Throughout the month of March, each soon-to-be-classic post will contain a beloved fairy tale ever so slightly modified for the modern age.
We begin with perhaps the most cherished and adored children's story of them all...Cinderella.
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a pretty young girl named Cinderella. She shared a home with her stepmother and two stepsisters, whom Cinderella always considered evil. But then again, she was a teenager. Cinderella was terribly unhappy, but said nothing of her situation to anyone, choosing the martyr role befitting her passive aggressive nature. However, one day, she grew quite weary of her seemingly endless chores and boldly decided to confront her stepmother. And that's when it all just came spilling out.
- Don't cry wolf unless there really is one.
- Check under bridges for trolls before crossing.
- Breadcrumbs to mark your trail? C'mon.
- Don't use wishes granted by a genie unless you are absolutely positive that he isn't pathologically obsessed with cruel irony.
Unfortunately, the tales of old are out of step with modern times, and today's young parents seek more relevant messages - lessons their children can put to use in a fast paced, competitive, hyper-materialistic world.
And that's where The Deadwood comes in.
I mean, really, what could be more desirable for the youth of today than stories peppered with tips and secrets of an early retiree?
Throughout the month of March, each soon-to-be-classic post will contain a beloved fairy tale ever so slightly modified for the modern age.
We begin with perhaps the most cherished and adored children's story of them all...Cinderella.
Cinderella
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a pretty young girl named Cinderella. She shared a home with her stepmother and two stepsisters, whom Cinderella always considered evil. But then again, she was a teenager. Cinderella was terribly unhappy, but said nothing of her situation to anyone, choosing the martyr role befitting her passive aggressive nature. However, one day, she grew quite weary of her seemingly endless chores and boldly decided to confront her stepmother. And that's when it all just came spilling out.
Cinderella: Stepmother, I would like to have a word with you.
Lady Tremaine: Please, call me mother. I have always considered you one of my own.
Cinderella: Well, then...mother, I have something on my mind.
Lady Tremaine: I'm listening.
Cinderella: I grow tired and weary of all my chores. It isn't fair!
Lady Tremaine: What isn't fair, dear?
Cinderella: Why should I have to do so many chores?
Lady Tremaine: We all have to chip in to run this house.
Cinderella: We can get a maid!
Lady Tremaine: A maid? Why, money doesn't grow on trees, darling!
Cinderella: Okay, but then what about Drizella and Anastasia? They don't do anything!
Lady Tremaine: My sweet, Drizella and Anastasia don't do chores, but they contribute greatly in other ways.
Cinderella: Yeah? How? I never even see Anastasia. She's just off traipsing about the village doing anything she wants!
Lady Tremaine: Young lady, please allow me to clarify the situation. Anastasia is not "traipsing." On the contrary, she works overtime as a beautician to help pay the mortgage. Have you any idea how much it costs to own a home? Houses are expenses, not investments.
Cinderella: Well, what about Drizella? I see her. Just lounging around all day on her cruel, stepsister lazy ass!
Lady Tremaine: Is that what...? For your information, Drizella sleeps during the day because she works the swing shift at Starbuck's, and the night shift at the hospital cleaning toilets. And do you know why? So we can invest in a 529 plan for your college education.
Cinderella: (Scoff!) I'm not going to college.
Lady Tremain: (Gasp!) What did you say!?
Cinderella: I'm not going to college!! I'm going to marry the prince and live happily ever after!
Lady Tremaine: The Prince!? And just how is he going to help you secure your future?
Cinderella: He's rich, mother! I'll have dresses and banquets and parties and everything a young lady desires!
Lady Tremaine: Ugh. I knew I shouldn't have let you attend that ball. It has completely warped your perspective.
Cinderella: And by the way, I want my glass slipper back!
Lady Tremaine: Well, you're not getting it back. Indeed, I already threw it away.
Cinderella: Motheeeeer!!!!!! How could you??!!
Lady Tremaine: Come now, what on earth were you planning to do with one shoe? It's just more stuff. Besides, high heels are terrible for your spine - you'll thank me later.
Cinderella: But it fit so perfectly!
Lady Tremaine: Now, be reasonable, dear. If the slippers fit your feet so "perfectly," how did you manage to lose one the very first time you wore them?
Cinderella: Oh, boohoo, boohoo! Woe is me! Woe is me!!!
Lady Tremaine: (Sigh.) Oh, come now, Cinderella, don't play the victim. Come on. Don't cry.
Cinderella: (Sob. Sob.) I can't help it.
Lady Tremaine: Listen, my sweet, life isn't a fairy tale. Anastasia, Drizella and I just want what's best for you. But that will take some effort on your part, too. Go to college and find a fulfilling career. Then earn a good income, save like crazy, and invest wisely. Soon, you'll be able to retire early.
Cinderella: (Sob. Sob.) What about marrying the Prince?
Lady Tremaine: (Sigh.) Try to get over him, dear. Charm is overrated. Find a nice engineer, instead. They're not much to look at, but they are surprisingly handy around the house.
Cinderella: (Sob.) But the prince...the prince...
Lady Tremaine: To be honest, Cinderella, your beloved Prince is a dullard, a womanizer and a spendthrift. I'm just saying.
Cinderella: Wha...? Boohoo! What ever can you mean? How can you say such awful, awful things about him?
Lady Tremaine: Well, think about it. All those balls he throws in that big, fancy palace. Judging and rejecting women, ostensibly in search of a bride. Frankly, it's obscene. It's like "The Bachelor" on steroids.
Cinderella: Oh, mother, get with the times. It's now culturally acceptable to be publicly humiliated. Young people don't mind, it's the admission fee for our fifteen minutes of fame.
Lady Tremaine: Be that as it may, it's not like he works. That village idiot of a prince just squanders money. The parties, the banquets, the helicopter rides, the spontaneous getaways to Aspen and Ibiza. By my estimation, he spends almost 15% of his net worth annually, way above the 4% Rule. Indeed, he only has a few more years until he completely runs out of money.
Cinderella: Seriously?
Lady Tremaine: Yes, dear. In fact, the only thing lower than his IQ is his FICO score.
Cinderella: Well...okay. Maybe college wouldn't be so bad after all.
Lady Tremaine: That's the spirit, my love.
Cinderella: Should I join a sorority?
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