Dear Deady

Dear Woody,

I have been tracking my expenses just like you advise.  Turns out, I spend way too much on junk food.  I just can't help it!  After a long day at work, I like to unwind in front of the television and graze.  Don't tell me to stop buying snacks.  I try, but I can only shop right after work and that is when I am most vulnerable.  Help!

- Couch Potato Chips


Dear Couch Potato Chips,

Brush your teeth right after dinner.  You will be too lazy to brush again at night, so you won't be as tempted to snack.  In addition to cutting your junk food expenses, you'll lose weight.  Trust me, it works!

Good luck.   And please note, dear readers, I go by Deady, not Woody.

- Deady



Dear Woody,

I have decided to save money by canceling my gym membership.  I still want to stay in shape, so I have set aside $2,000 to buy exercise equipment.  What do you suggest I buy?  I am thinking of either a treadmill or an elliptical.  The treadmill I am looking at is really stylish, but I have read that it will break down a lot.  The elliptical is more expensive, but should last longer.   I want the most cost effective solution.  What should I buy?

- Sweat Hog


Dear Sweat Hog,

A jump rope.  You can pick up a great speed rope with ball bearings and contoured grips all for less than ten dollars.  Skipping rope is hard to beat for a cardio workout.  Skip at about 120 - 140 rpm, and after twenty minutes you'll be perspiring like a pig.  It's cheap, it's portable, you can do it indoors and outdoors.  No set up required.  And the equipment never needs repairs.  (But don't buy the old fashioned leather ropes.  Those wear out too quickly.)

And you know the best thing about skipping rope?  People think you're badass.  Seriously.  Mothers, children, seniors, businessmen, athletes, doesn't matter.   If you are out there skipping rope, they are all thinking one thing: B-A-D-A-S-S.  People can't help but stare with admiration.  I know because I speak from personal experience.  But here's a tip: make sure you chant loudly to maximize audience reaction. "Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack...All dressed in black, black, black..."  You wouldn't believe the stares you get!

Have a good workout!  But again, I go by Deady, not Woody.  Silly mix up!

- Deady



Dear Woody,

You talk a lot about index funds. So I spoke with my financial advisor about moving my money into them. He literally laughed in my face.  He said it was a really, really bad idea.  He said index funds return the market average, so investing in index funds is like planning on being a C student.  What should I do?

- Embarrassed To No End


Dear Embarrassed To No End,

Dump your financial advisor.  He is using a poor analogy to confuse you.  The stock market is not like being a student.  Or, tell you what.  Let's say the stock market is like being a student...at Bizarro University!

At this institution, you have a choice.  You can take a guaranteed C.  Or, you can "plan" on getting an A or B by letting your professor pull your name out of a hat and assign you a grade.  It doesn't matter how hard you work, it doesn't matter how much you know, it doesn't matter if you are smarter than everyone else.  The assigned grade is completely random.  And by the way, only a tiny fraction get an A or B.  Most students who "plan" to get an A or B end up with a D or F.  What would you do?

(Hint: If you consistently take the guaranteed C, you will leave Bizarro University with a higher GPA than the vast majority of your graduating class.)

Take the guaranteed C and play Frisbee in the quad all semester.

And it's Deady, not Woody, dammit.

- Deady

Dear Woody,

Hey, find any hamburgers under the couch lately, Woodster?  What do you say, Woodmeister?  Huh, Woody?   Woody, Woody, Woody!

- Anonymous


Anonymous,

Slash?  Is that you?  I know that's you.

- Deady