Pragmatic Fairy Tale #3: Snow White

Snow White

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, seven dwarfs lived together in a little cottage deep in mining country.  Despite their humble, simple lives, (and one could argue, because of their humble, simple lives) they were very happy little dwarfs.  How happy?  Well, get this, they actually whistled while they worked.  That's how happy they were.  That is, until a very fair young woman named Snow White came out of nowhere to crash on their couch for an indeterminate amount of time.

Pragmatic Fairy Tale #2: Rumpelstiltskin

Rumpelstiltskin

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a pretty young miller's daughter whose father apparently didn't even think enough of her to give her a name.  How messed up is that?  While this lack of identity totally messed up her formative years, it did foster a certain survivor instinct that served her quite well throughout her young adult life.

One day, the miller's daughter, due to no fault of her own, found herself locked in a tower by an evil, greedy king who threatened to kill her unless she spun straw into gold.  Having absolutely no acumen for such an odd expectation, the miller's daughter made a deal with a strange little man named Rumpelstiltskin.  (Formerly known as "Prince.")  Rumpelstiltskin would spin straw into gold in exchange for her first born child.  The arrangement worked splendidly.  In fact, they even conducted a feasibility study to expand their enterprise into the next kingdom.  (Unfortunately, foreign tax laws ate up any and all arbitrage opportunity.)  Then, one day, the miller's daughter actually gave birth, and it wasn't long before Rumpelstiltskin came to collect his dues.

Pragmatic Fairy Tale #1: Cinderella

Arguably, the most famous collection of children's stories ever compiled was Grimms' Fairy Tales, first published by the Grimm brothers in 1812.  Often gruesome and violent, even to the point of psychologically scarring many sensitive, innocent children (I'm just saying),  these stories, along with countless others, served as much more than mere entertainment.  They communicated valuable lessons to the children of their day:
 

• Don't cry wolf unless there really is one.
• Check under bridges for trolls before crossing.
• Breadcrumbs to mark your trail?  C'mon.
• Don't use wishes granted by a genie unless you are absolutely positive that he isn't pathologically obsessed with cruel irony.

Unfortunately, the tales of old are out of step with modern times, and today's young parents seek more relevant messages - lessons their children can put to use in a fast paced, competitive, hyper-materialistic world.

And that's where The Deadwood comes in.

I mean, really, what could be more desirable for the youth of today than stories peppered with tips and secrets of an early retiree?

Throughout the month of March, each soon-to-be-classic post will contain a beloved fairy tale ever so slightly modified for the modern age.

We begin with perhaps the most cherished and adored children's story of them all...Cinderella.