Pragmatic Fairy Tale #2: Rumpelstiltskin

Rumpelstiltskin

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a pretty young miller's daughter whose father apparently didn't even think enough of her to give her a name.  How messed up is that?  While this lack of identity totally messed up her formative years, it did foster a certain survivor instinct that served her quite well throughout her young adult life.

One day, the miller's daughter, due to no fault of her own, found herself locked in a tower by an evil, greedy king who threatened to kill her unless she spun straw into gold.  Having absolutely no acumen for such an odd expectation, the miller's daughter made a deal with a strange little man named Rumpelstiltskin.  (Formerly known as "Prince.")  Rumpelstiltskin would spin straw into gold in exchange for her first born child.  The arrangement worked splendidly.  In fact, they even conducted a feasibility study to expand their enterprise into the next kingdom.  (Unfortunately, foreign tax laws ate up any and all arbitrage opportunity.)  Then, one day, the miller's daughter actually gave birth, and it wasn't long before Rumpelstiltskin came to collect his dues.

Rumpelstiltskin: Here I am, miller's daughter, remember me?  Ha, ha, ha!

Miller's Daughter: Oh!  Uh...actually, no.  Have we met?

Rumpelstiltskin: Have we..?  What do you mean, have we met?  Of course we've met.

Miller's Daughter: I don't believe so.

Rumpelstiltskin: Yes.

Miller's Daughter: Nooo...I think I would remember an odd little man like you. 

Rumpelstiltskin: I spun straw into gold...saved your life...that kind of thing...

Miller's Daughter: Mmmm...not ringing a bell. 

Rumpelstiltskin: You promised me your first born in return...

Miller's Daughter: I think I would recall that.

Rumpelstiltskin: What the..?  Did you hit your head or something?  What are you trying to pull here?

Miller's Daughter: I'm sorry, but I think you have me confused with someone else.

Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, for Pete's sake.  Aha!  I know!  Here, I captured our discussion on my GoPro.  See?  Now do you remember?

Miller's Daughter: That must be someone who looks like me.

Rumpelstiltskin: Get off it!  That's your spinning wheel in the background.

Miller's Daughter: It's a recent model.  Everyone has it.

Rumpelstiltskin: And that's your view out of the tower window, see?  And look, there's the mole on your neck.  And...and your necklace!  You're wearing that same exact necklace even as we speak!

Miller's Daughter: Oh, all right.  That's me.  So what?

Rumpelstiltskin: So what?  So I want your first born, that's what.  You owe me.

Miller's Daughter:  (Laughs.)  Do you seriously think I am going to just roll over and hand you my child?  What kind of make believe world do you live in, anyway?

Rumpelstiltskin: What?!  This is unbelievable!  You're so dishonest!

Miller's Daughter: This isn't about honesty.  This is about what is best for the child.  Will you breastfeed?

Rumpelstiltskin: What?! No, of course n...

Miller's Daughter: Then you're risking respiratory problems, allergies and speech development.  Have you ever changed a diaper?

Rumpelstiltskin: Well, no...

Miller's Daughter: You'll be doing that 10 - 12 times a day.  Have you set up your nursery yet?  Have you checked for lead and asbestos?

Rumpelstiltskin: What is lead and asbes...

Miller's Daughter: What thought have you given to circumcision?  What about preschools, are you on a waitlist?  Have you set up a 529 for college?  Who are the godparents?  What kind of support network have you established?  

Rumpelstiltskin: All right, all right.  So I'm new at this.  None of that matters.  The only thing that matters is that you promised me your first born.

Miller's Daughter: I was under duress!

Rumpelstiltskin: I don't care!  A deal's a deal.  Pay up, or I'll sue!

Miller's Daughter: Ha!  You'll never win.  The king said he'd kill me unless I spun gold.  I would have agreed to anything under those circumstances.  No court in the land is going to hold me to that.

Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe...maybe...but...okay, so here's how it is: I may not win, but by suing you, I will ruin your reputation in the process.  I mean, agreeing to sell your baby?  Really?  Ha!

Miller's Daughter: Seriously?  You want to play that game?  My publicist will come at you so hard, your hair will turn to gold when your head spins.  I can see the headlines now, "Poor, Innocent Girl Threatened By Human Trafficking Midget."  Game on, Rumpy!

Rumpelstiltskin: Huh?  Wh...what did you call me?

Miller's Daughter: Oh, yeah, I know who you are.  And I know where you live, too, little man.  You want a piece of me?  Come..and..get..it.

Rumpelstiltskin: All right, all right.  Calm down.  Forget about your baby.  Just give me back the gold I spun for you and we're even.

Miller's Daughter: Aaaargh!  What is it with you men and gold?

Rumpelstiltskin: What do you mean?

Miller's Daughter: You, the king, my old man.  You're all crazy for gold.

Rumpelstiltskin: So what's wrong with gold?

Miller's Daughter: Only that it's the worst investment EVER.

Rumpelstiltskin: How so?

Miller's Daughter: It's purely speculative.  Its price just fluctuates with fear.  And it just sits there; gold doesn't generate any value at all.

Rumpelstiltskin: What about bonds?

Miller's Daughter: Bonds are okay, but they're no hedge against inflation.

Rumpelstiltskin: Real estate?

Miller's Daughter: Most of us have too much equity tied up in our homes as it is.  It's best to diversify.

Rumpelstiltskin: Then what?

Miller's Daughter: Invest in company stocks.  Companies are productive.  They create and add value.  That's why their returns are superior to each of the alternatives we've discussed.

Rumpelstiltskin: What about risk?

Miller's Daughter: What about it?  In the long run, the market consistently goes up.  And besides, any child knows to allocate a portion of her investments in a risk free asset to help dampen the short term oscillations.  Geez, what planet were you born on, Dumbpelstiltskin?

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay, I'm going to just ignore that last comment because I learned as a child not to listen to insensitive people who make fun of my name out of ignorance. 

Miller's Daughter: Oh, you do that, little man, you do that.  But get one thing straight - you aren't getting a single ounce of gold out of me.  Now get out of here and start building a portfolio of stocks. 

Rumpelstiltskin: Awww...but stocks are too much work.  Figuring out what stocks to buy, when to sell, timing the market.  I'm too busy extorting money from innocent, nameless young ladies for that kind of thing.

Miller's Daughter: Do I have to spell it out for you?  Don't bother trying to pick stocks!  Just buy an index fund and fuhgeddaboudit.  It's the smartest thing to do.  Even a dolt like you can't screw that up, Rumpledsilkscreen.  (Snort!)

Rumpelstiltskin: Okay, you know what?  I don't have to listen to your insults.  I'm outta here.

Miller's Daughter: Sayonara...loser.

Rumpelstiltskin: Swindler!

Miller's Daughter: Gouger!