An Olympic Rant

Early retirement affords a lot of free time.  And what's better than wasting it in front of the television?  Like millions of people around the globe, I'm watching the Olympics.  For me, it's..fine.  For my boys, it is almost magical.  The other night, we turn on the television.  Some guy is figure skating.  You know, the one with the sequins.  He's hitting his quad, he's sit-spinning, he's impressing artistically.  And my younger son is amazed.

Sprout: Wow, he's really good!

Deadwood: He sure is.

Sprout: He can even skate backwards!

The magic of figure skating isn't lost on my older son, either.  We were watching a pairs team when they went into a lift.  The male skater slowly rotated, holding his partner in a full extension overhead.
 

Fern: OMG, I just saw her underwear! ...I saw it again! ...I saw it again!

Howls of laughter all around.  A true Olympic moment.

But let's be clear.  The Olympics aren't all fun and games.  They put us through a ridiculous number of events.  Take swimming.  Why do they give all those medals, not just for different distances, but for different strokes?  They don't give track medals for running backwards or for skipping, right?  Not yet, anyway.

And now, medal proliferation is poetically taking on Olympic proportions.  The committee is handing them out for snowboard halfpipe, snowboard slope style, ski slope style, ski freestyle halfpipe, ski cross, snowboard cross.  I'm pretty sure at this point they just use several wheels of fortune to come up with new ideas.

"Ready...spin!  And...Freestyle...Snowboard...Super G...Short Track.  Genius!"

What really bugs me is that definitively individual sports are being expanded to include nonsensical team events.  I mean, really.  Team figure skating?  Luge relay?  Synchronized diving?  That's preposterous.

With all the competing sports and events on television, I get the need to keep audiences interested.  But medal proliferation isn't the way to go.  Instead, they need to make traditional events more compelling.

First, no judges.  I know you figure skating fans would object.  But I'm not suggesting the elimination of figure skating.  I'm talking a radical reformation to save the beloved but beleaguered sport.  Judges inflate, cheat and even collude.  Don't throw out the sport, throw out the judges.

Here's how it works: Five competitors on the ice at a time.  All of them skate their routines while trying to knock each other down.  Last one standing wins.  Now, that's a sport.

Think about it.  Totally objective.  Super exciting.  Spread eagles taking out layback spins.  Flying camels decimating triple toe loops.  Pairs would be unbelievably exciting - partners hurling each other into competitors like cannonballs.  It doesn't get any better than that.

Forget luge relay.  Want to make luge more compelling?  One word: Obstacles.

By the way, two man luge is just embarrassing.  Try watching that with your parents.

Forget about synchronizing the diving; change the metric.  The goal shouldn't be as tiny a splash as possible.  You can't see tiny.  Go for BIG.  Once again, cannonballs.  (Lots of room in the Olympics for cannonballs.)  Think of it.  Who wouldn't want to see Akebono jump off a platform into a pool of water?  No need for judges.  Just measure the water displacement.  I'd pay to see that.

While we're on the subject of synchronized sports, let's be honest.  Synchronized swimming must go.  Not just from the Olympics.  From the face of the planet.  It is simply unfathomable.  How is it even possible to take beautiful, fit, athletic women, dress them in shiny swimsuits, and create something so hideous?

"Igor, what should we do with these?  Oh, yes, I know!  Grease back their hair, Igor.  Pinch their noses, cake on makeup, and contort their faces.  I will animate them with violent, jarring, automaton movement.  It's brilliant, Igor!  Bwah, hah, hah, hah!"

Want to terrify an innocent child?  Forget clowns.  Have a synchronized swimmer stare back in the mirror.

Scary.  Grotesque.  Horrifying.