When you retire, you undergo a whole new set of experiences. Even the old experiences become new experiences. Like shopping, for instance. Before retirement, it was...what's the word I'm looking for...unbearable. But now, in retirement, it's more complicated. It's good, bad, and ugly.
THE GOOD
Used to be, when I had to shop, I would do so on the weekends. Target, Costco, Kohl's. Every one of them is crowded and noisy. Everyone is rushing about. Tired, cranky kids are hanging on your arms. It's just miserable. (My wife, Rooty, has it even worse. She has to experience all of that and deal with this moody guy who follows her around, constantly complaining.)
But when I retired, I started doing a little of the shopping during the workweek. And it's completely different. No crowds. No noise. Oddly, everyone is either a mother with children, or old and gray. But it's wonderful because they are all taking their time. (Well, the old people may be rushing, but that's okay, you can't
tell.) Moms are actually talking with and enjoying their children instead of scolding them. The workers smile and want to help you. It's almost pleasant.
THE BAD
But as an early retiree, people sometimes treat you too nice. Some places (e.g. medical supply stores, cell phone companies) want extra information from you, like your place of employment. So you tell them you don't work. And just like that, they go from nice to deeply compassionate. Their voices get smoother. Their heads list to one side and gently bob. Sometimes they even try to give you free stuff, like an extra set of accessories for the nebulizer. A-W-K-W-A-R-D. You didn't tell them you retired, because you didn't want to sound like you're bragging. But you can't have them be nice to you under such a false pretense. So then what, do you come clean and embarrass everybody? No win.
THE UGLY
Speaking of no win, have you ever shopped at Safeway? I can never leave that store without feeling crappy about myself, and it's not about the donuts. Or, it's not just about the donuts.
"Would you like to round up to help find a cure for breast cancer?"
I never know what to say. Do you? It's nerve wracking. You know that question is coming, and there's nothing you can do about it. But you're screwed because you have two lousy options:
And they ask you every time you shop there. It's relentless. One day, I had enough. Also, it just came to me:
"Would you like to round up to help find a cure for breast cancer?"
"Tell you what, how about you round down and Safeway can help find a cure for breast cancer?"
He didn't know what to say.
Safeway makes you feel bad, Home Depot just pisses you off. I'm shopping there the other day, buying dimmer switches for one of my "try not to electrocute yourself" projects, and the checker helping me is in her early twenties. Able bodied. Healthy. Working as a checker. I put my bucket down, she scans the first item in it, and without looking up, tosses a bag at me and says:
"Here, you start bagging."
I was shocked. I was angry. I felt insulted and taken advantage of. I am a customer, not her personal assistant. So I did what anyone in that situation would do: I started bagging.
Maybe it's something about the new generation. Maybe they just have different standards about what constitutes rude. Or lack the work ethic we were taught. Or maybe, they're just a little dense...
See, one day, I'm out buying items for dinner, and the checker gets to my last item on the belt. He picks it up and takes a long pause. His face contorts into two parts confusion, one part disgust.
"What's this?"
"That's celery."
He didn't know celery. How on earth is this guy employed as a grocery checker? More perplexing, how is this guy still alive? He should have got stuck in a chimney, by now. Or electrocuted while installing dimmer switches, or something. Mind-boggling.
"Celery? Are you sure?"
"Yes.""I don't think it's celery.""It's celery."
He rang it up, but not because I convinced him. He just didn't care.
"Uh, okay...So your total is $38.27. Would you like to round up to help find a cure for breast cancer?"
I know exactly how you feel at the Safeway checkout. I like your "round down" answer. This is also one of the reasons why I LOVE self-checkout lines. Sure, I have to do everything myself, but it's faster and I don't get hassled.
ReplyDeleteAnd stores love self-checkout, too. Did you know that shrinkage (theft) actually goes down with self-checkout? Partly, that's because the weight of the items are checked to make sure the customer is being honest. But also because customers are pretty honest anyway. Most shrinkage is due to employees, not customers. So self-checkout reduces shrinkage because it reduces employees.
DeleteWhile there are many situations in life that suck, my solution as often as possible is to play (an internal) game called 'what is good about this'. So for the guy who asked me to start bagging I might think that "well, this is good - in a small way this is keeping costs down" or maybe "hey, good idea - this will speed things up and I can get home faster". As for the celery guy it might be "this guy can't identify celery - good thing I can help educate him before someone less tolerant comes along" or "man, I think doing this guys's job would drive me bonkers".
ReplyDeleteIt is a fun game sometimes.
Great entry as always Deadwood. Keep up the great work and say hi to Rooty for me. We're coming down there and getting you guys to camp in a yurt someday!
Fred M doesn't ask the rounding up question... yet. But I did come across it at Rite Aid. I forget what their cause was - I think it had something to do with children - something like Childhood Lukemia.
ReplyDeleteI too can relate to the "shopping during the work-week" comment... I was at a discount furniture warehouse a few days ago looking for a couch for my parents' house, and found some good stuff, but was feeling sorry for the store because there was hardly anyone there at this big warehouse/showroom. So I began giving the assistant manager some ideas on how to increase traffic, when he told me that this was Friday afternoon at 2pm, and that on a regular basis their business does exceptionally well, he thought they had the highest furniture sales in the city - so, thank you but no thank you on the ideas!
GearBear91, your "what is good about this" game is a neat idea. Except, then I wouldn't have any material for my rants. And that's really the sweetest part of early retirement - the ranting.
ReplyDeleteFair enough. I can see the appeal of a good rant via blogging. Just be sure to cut back on the rants if you ever start developing the urge to wear your pants half way up your torso or use the phrase 'kids today...'.
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