Hiatus

Fern and Sprout drink milk with meals, otherwise, we are a water-only household.  The main exception is when the kids get the flu and we give them Gatorade.  The kids love Gatorade.

When Sprout was about four and a half, he was trying to convince me to give him some. 

"Poppa, can I have Gatorade?"

"Are you sick?"

"No..."

"Then why should I give you any?"

"Because...I think I don't have any electric lights in me."

Mortgages

When I was in grad school, an old friend of mine transferred up from San Diego State.  We didn't have classes together, but we hung out: tennis, golf, cards, that kind of thing.  For some reason, I didn't see his place until well into the school year.  When I finally did see the apartment, it was pretty typical for a single, male student in a rent controlled university town.  Dark, dingy, ugly carpet, holes in the walls.  I was used to all that.  However, when I went to use his bathroom, even I was shocked.

The entire toilet bowl was covered in a thick layer of black mold.  And not just the bowl.  It was all over the underside of the toilet seat, behind the seat, and even on the base.  The bathtub?  Just as bad.  Black and orange mold on the tub, on the walls, on the glass doors.  Everywhere.

I had to ask.

"Hey, Nick!  What's up with your bathroom?  It's disgusting!!"

Nick held up his hands and immediately defended himself.

"Whoa, don't blame me!  It was that way when I moved in."

The Stuff Paradox

Last Thanksgiving, we were all sitting around the dining table ready to gorge ourselves.  But first, we took part in our family tradition of telling each other what we were thankful for.  This time, my family generously decided that we would go tallest to shortest, so I could go first.  (The previous year we went most hair to least hair.)

Deadwood: Okay, let's see...I am thankful for family and health.  Rooty?

Rooty: I am thankful for family and friends.  Your turn, Fern.

Fern: Those are good.  Plus, I am thankful for shelter and food.

Rooty: How about you, Sprout?  What are you thankful for?

Sprout: White blood cells.

Not Knowing

When Sprout was a toddler, he loved magic tricks.  Simple tricks like pulling a coin out of his ear or making something disappear.  His jaw would drop, his eyes would get huge and he would scream, "How you do dat!!!?  How you do dat!!!?"

For years and years, he asked me to do tricks over and over again.  He never tired of them.  He thought I was truly amazing.  Then when he was about six years old, I screwed up a disappearing penny trick and he saw that I put the cap on the bottom of the box instead of the top.  Instantly, he figured out how the trick worked.

He has never asked me to do a magic trick since.  Knowledge completely ruined the magic, the mystery and the wonder of it all.

Case #22: The Missing Returns

The city was dark, cold and wet.  Like a dredged up stiff in a cement overcoat.  Only smellier.  The alleyway below my window was lit by the flickering neon light of the local dive.  A dive that attracted every goon, hood and heel the way a plump kid at summer camp draws mosquitoes.

I had just polished off another bottle of Jack, my steadiest of companions, when she walked through the door.
 

The Old College Try

Rooty and I were driving Fern and Sprout through my old university town when we came upon a hotel where Rooty and I once stayed.

"Hey, Fern, that's the hotel where Momma and I stayed on our wedding night."

"Yuck!  That old building?  It looks so rundown."

"No, it's very charming!  It was actually an old sorority that was converted to a hotel."

"What's a sorority?"

"Well, it's like a club for women on campus."

Fern contemplated my response.
 

"...Lesbians?"

 

Stuff Management

It isn't easy living with a wannabe minimalist, even for someone who has similar values. Just ask my wife, Rooty.  Last February, I turned 50 and Rooty wanted to buy me something nice to mark the occasion.  But I couldn't think of anything I wanted, much less needed.

"What about an iPad?  I could have it engraved on the back."

"Mmmm...no.  I really don't think I would use it much."

"A flat screen t.v.?"

"Maybe when our current t.v. blows its tube."

"A new desk?"

"I've been using my desk since I was four.  Why would I want a new one now?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because it's a child's desk and you barely fit?!"

"It keeps me svelte."

Cars

I was bringing Fern to soccer practice last fall when he asked me about driving.

Fern:  Do you ever just want to step all the way down on the gas?

Deadwood:  No.  Of course not.  ( ! )

Fern:  Awwww, I'll never get to drive.

Pragmatic Fairy Tale #3: Snow White

Snow White

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, seven dwarfs lived together in a little cottage deep in mining country.  Despite their humble, simple lives, (and one could argue, because of their humble, simple lives) they were very happy little dwarfs.  How happy?  Well, get this, they actually whistled while they worked.  That's how happy they were.  That is, until a very fair young woman named Snow White came out of nowhere to crash on their couch for an indeterminate amount of time.

Pragmatic Fairy Tale #2: Rumpelstiltskin

Rumpelstiltskin

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a pretty young miller's daughter whose father apparently didn't even think enough of her to give her a name.  How messed up is that?  While this lack of identity totally messed up her formative years, it did foster a certain survivor instinct that served her quite well throughout her young adult life.

One day, the miller's daughter, due to no fault of her own, found herself locked in a tower by an evil, greedy king who threatened to kill her unless she spun straw into gold.  Having absolutely no acumen for such an odd expectation, the miller's daughter made a deal with a strange little man named Rumpelstiltskin.  (Formerly known as "Prince.")  Rumpelstiltskin would spin straw into gold in exchange for her first born child.  The arrangement worked splendidly.  In fact, they even conducted a feasibility study to expand their enterprise into the next kingdom.  (Unfortunately, foreign tax laws ate up any and all arbitrage opportunity.)  Then, one day, the miller's daughter actually gave birth, and it wasn't long before Rumpelstiltskin came to collect his dues.

Pragmatic Fairy Tale #1: Cinderella

Arguably, the most famous collection of children's stories ever compiled was Grimms' Fairy Tales, first published by the Grimm brothers in 1812.  Often gruesome and violent, even to the point of psychologically scarring many sensitive, innocent children (I'm just saying),  these stories, along with countless others, served as much more than mere entertainment.  They communicated valuable lessons to the children of their day:
 

• Don't cry wolf unless there really is one.
• Check under bridges for trolls before crossing.
• Breadcrumbs to mark your trail?  C'mon.
• Don't use wishes granted by a genie unless you are absolutely positive that he isn't pathologically obsessed with cruel irony.

Unfortunately, the tales of old are out of step with modern times, and today's young parents seek more relevant messages - lessons their children can put to use in a fast paced, competitive, hyper-materialistic world.

And that's where The Deadwood comes in.

I mean, really, what could be more desirable for the youth of today than stories peppered with tips and secrets of an early retiree?

Throughout the month of March, each soon-to-be-classic post will contain a beloved fairy tale ever so slightly modified for the modern age.

We begin with perhaps the most cherished and adored children's story of them all...Cinderella.

Ranting On Early Retirement?!

As an undergrad, I bore the stigma of being an engineering student.  That wasn't easy.  Because among all disciplines, engineering was generally considered the nerdiest.  Even worse, I was an electrical engineering student.  That meant the engineering community itself derided me.  Can you imagine what it feels like to be scorned by nerds?  It doesn't get any worse than that.  But that was me.  Geek by association.  It didn't matter what I said or did.  I was typecast.

"Just like an engineer - focused on the details."

"Just like an engineer - analyzing everything."

"Just like an engineer - world's worst date."  (Wait..what?)

I lived with the humiliation of the engineering label throughout my entire undergrad.  And two years of the working world to boot.  And then...

High Priced Experiences

Okay, so get this.  The Rome Cavalieri (a Waldorf-Astoria hotel) has created a million dollar wedding package that actually costs a million dollars.  Here's what you get:

"...a private jet to Rome, the palatial Penthouse Suite with panoramic roof terrace and 'his and her' monogrammed linens, as well as a horse-drawn carriage...Brides are afforded the opportunity to borrow jewellery designed by Italian Princesses Lucia Odescalchi and Grazia Borghese!"

Yep, that's right.  They are so excited by the princesses that they actually use an exclamation mark.

The Taxman Cometh

  
A couple of years ago, Sprout was finishing up breakfast.  He was deep in thought.

Sprout: Poppa, why do women wear makeup?

Deadwood: Well, they are trying to make themselves look prettier.

Sprout: Poppa, men don't wear make up.

Deadwood: That's right.

Sprout: So women are uglier than men?

I had to think about that one.

Deadwood: Well, I've heard worse logic than that...