Rule 3: Invest Wisely (The Rock Stars)

"The Intervention"

An Original Screenplay

by

Oregon Deadwood

FADE IN:

INT. DEADWOOD'S HOME - EVENING

Three well-dressed, distinguished, intelligent, white males sit on an old and uncomfortable couch.  Well, two are distinguished.  One is kind of frumpy.  All are clearly annoyed and impatient. 

DEADWOOD, a middle-aged, average height, balding (don't you think he knows that?) blogger from the Northwest is running around putting snacks on the coffee table (chips, nuts, beer).  The doorbell rings.  Deadwood anxiously answers the door.

DEADWOOD

Hi, Slash!  Welcome!  I'm glad you made it.  Come in, come in.

SLASH, a middle-aged, average height male with a lot of hair (like, all over.  Eeew.) and a little bit of an edge, walks through the doorway, somewhat curious.  This is the first time he has visited Deadwood's home.

SLASH

Yeah, well, I'm not sure why I even agreed to come.

DEADWOOD 

Well, you still seem to have doubts about my investment advice, even with all the input from the Nobel Laureates in economics...

SLASH

Yeah, I don't take advice from guys in bowties, kapeesh?  Besides, if they're so smart, why aren't they rich?  Am I right?

DEADWOOD

I gotcha, that's understandable.  My bad.  So I'm gonna make it up to you.  I want you to meet a few guys that I think you'll respect.  Rich guys.  Filthy rich guys.  Let me introduce you.

DEADWOOD leads SLASH to the living room.  None of the guests bother to stand.
 

DEADWOOD

Slash, this is Peter Lynch, former Fidelity manager of the Magellan Fund.  He's worth over $350 million.

SLASH

$350 million?  Now we're talking, here.  This is my kinda' crowd.  How's life, Petey?

PETER, a well-dressed, distinguished..wait.  I think I already told you that.  He's tall and handsome, but can't seem to control his stark white quaff of hair, and doesn't seem to care.  He looks depressed and stares at the carpet.
 

PETER

Futile. (a)

SLASH

Uh...how's that, again, big guy?

DEADWOOD pulls Slash aside and whispers.
 

DEADWOOD

You'll have to forgive Peter.  He just found out this morning that he's an Albino.

Okay, that's a funny joke if you know who Peter Lynch is.
 

SLASH

Hey, Petey, no problemo.  I'm part Hungarian.

DEADWOOD 

Uh...okay.  And this is Charles Schwab, founder and chairman of Charles Schwab, Corp.  He's worth almost $5 billion.

SLASH

Chuckie!  Five billion!?  Geez.  Don't you have better places to be than here?

CHARLES, a well-dressed, distinguished..oh, right.  He's graying now, but he was definitely a frat boy in college.  He finishes his beer and opens another bottle with his teeth.

CHARLES

I'm sure. (b)

DEADWOOD

And finally, Warren Buffet, chairman and CEO of Berkshire Hathaway and fourth richest person in the world.  His net worth is over $60 billion.

SLASH

Hoooooo-yay!  That's ker-razy rich.  I bet you didn't think with all that cash you'd end up here.  Am I right, Warren?

WARREN, he's the frumpy guy.  He's eating out of a bowl of snacks like it's a feeding trough.

WARREN 

I could never have dreamed. (c) 

DEADWOOD

Sit down, sit down everyone.  Or, Slash, anyway. Now that we're all here...  Oh.  Wow, Warren, I didn't know you like pork rinds so much.

WARREN

That's right. (d)

DEADWOOD

Should I refill that bowl for you?

WARREN

That's what I would do. (d)

DEADWOOD heads for the kitchen.  SLASH checks to make sure DEADWOOD is out of earshot before speaking to the group.

SLASH

So, uh...listen.  Deadwood has some really stupid investment ideas.  Tell me the real way to get rich and retire early.  Petey, how about you?  Should I pick my own stocks, or take the dumb as a doorknob approach that Deadwood advocates and own an index fund? 

PETER looks up slowly as if it pains him to answer.

PETER 

Most individual investors would be better off in an index mutual fund. (e) 

SLASH

Say what!?  You gotta be kiddin' me.  That must be the Prozac talking.  What do you say, Chuck?  You don't think I should invest in boring old index funds, right?

CHARLES 

Buy index funds. It might not seem like much action, but it's the smartest thing to do. (f)

SLASH

Really!?  You too?  Listen, I'm not a chump.  I'm smart.  I know things.  Like when we invaded Iraq, my gears were spinning on how to make money out of it.  I'm like, "Slash, you should invest in Exxon."

CHARLES 

If you were smart enough to move into oil, will you be smart enough to move out?  Nobody’s really that smart. (b)

DEADWOOD, overhearing, returns with more pork rinds and a tray of sliced apples.  WARREN immediately grabs for the pork rinds.

DEADWOOD 

Besides, Slash.  Hours before you moved into oil, the traders on Wall Street already made their bets.  And not just on oil.  On nuclear, coal, shipping, construction, MRE suppliers, linen producers, copper, chocolate, batteries, you name it.  They are way ahead of you.

Uh...hey, Warren, slow down, you're going to give yourself a tummy ache there, buddy. 

SLASH

Nah, nah, nah.  I don't buy it.  What about you, Buffster?  You pick stocks.  You expect to far exceed the returns of the stock market, am I right?

WARREN stops eating long enough to talk.

WARREN 

We think we can do better than the S&P. I would be disappointed if our portfolio didn't do a couple of percentage points better. I would be amazed if it did (much) better. (g) 

DEADWOOD

And to achieve even that, Warren's got a bunch of analysts and some of the best, most experienced minds in the business researching companies.  Not to mention unprecedented access to CEOs, boards and management.  And with his clout, he actually moves markets.  You have none of that.

(And guess what?  WARREN has actually fallen well short of the S&P 500 in four of the last five years.  But we won't mention that.)

SLASH

You guys have got to be kidding.  Okay, just what the heck should I do then, Buffy?

WARREN almost chokes on his pork rinds, but settles himself.

WARREN 

Buy an index fund, preferably over time, so you end up owning good businesses at a reasonable average price...that is all you have to do. (h) 

CHARLES begins to look bored.  He polishes off his fourth (fifth?) beer and looks around mischievously.

SLASH

Look, I'm competitive, all right?  I don't want to settle for market returns.  I excel.  I win.  I expect to...no, I demand to do better than average.

WARREN 

If you invested in a very low cost index fund -- where you don't put the money in at one time, but average in over 10 years -- you'll do better than 90% of people who start investing at the same time. (k) 

SLASH

Really?  Okay...that's interesting.  But why would everyone else do so poorly?

PETER speaks up.

PETER 

[The] stomach is the key organ here. It's not the brain. (a) 

PETER goes back to brooding.

SLASH

Just what the heck does Peter the Grave mean by that?

DEADWOOD

He means that even if you were bright enough to consistently outsmart the market (which you aren't), you wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally.  Individual investors are their own worst enemies.  They get greedy.  They panic.  They get paralyzed with fear.  Emotions have no place in investing.  But how can you not be emotional with your life savings?

Warren, seriously, leave some pork rinds for the rest of the guys.  And can you use a napkin instead of the couch? 

CHARLES starts putting items in inappropriate places, laughing hysterically.

DEADWOOD

What the...?  What is Charles sticking up his nose?

PETER

Apples and pencils. (a)

DEADWOOD

Well, that's inappropriate.

See?  I told you it was inappropriate.  CHARLES keeps laughing.

SLASH

Ha ha!  You're a hoot, Chuckie!  You go, girl!

DEADWOOD

I'm cutting you off, Charles.  You need to calm down.  And Warren, no more pork rinds.  You'll get sick.  Try something else.

WARREN

Hamburgers. (c)

DEADWOOD

Warren, I told you over the phone, I told you when you arrived, and I told you when you were searching under the couch: I don't have any hamburgers.

SLASH

Chuckie, Buffy, this party sucks, let's get outta' here.  There's a Hooters downtown.  I'll buy you all the beer and burgers you want, and you can tell me more about these index funds.

See you, Drywall.

SLASH, CHARLES and WARREN get up to leave.

DEADWOOD

Really, guys?  Hooters?  Aren't you a little old for that?

WARREN

The little lizard just soldiers on. (c)

DEADWOOD

Enough, Warren, okay?  Stop it.

And anyway, what about this mess?

SLASH

We'll leave Petey behind.  He can help you.

SLASH, CHARLES and WARREN leave.  DEADWOOD looks around his living room, then at Peter.

DEADWOOD

Well, that gathering went...okay.  Sort of.  I guess.

PETER

It was ugly. (a) 

DEADWOOD

Oh, come on, it wasn't all that bad.

PETER

This was the worst. (a) 

DEADWOOD 

Go home, Peter.  Just go.

FADE OUT.
 

FOOTNOTES

(a) "Words from the Pros," Frontline interview with Peter Lynch
(b) "Talking to Chuck,"  Upstart Business Journal, Sept 18, 2008

(c) Warren Buffett, 2012 Annual Shareholders Letter

(d) "Sit Down with Becky Quick," Closing Bell With Maria Bartiromo, CNBC, Sept 19, 2013

(e)  Peter Lynch, Barron’s, April 2, 1990

(f) "We talked to Chuck," Money Magazine Interview, July 6 , 2007

(g) Warren Buffett, Mar 6, 2007 Press Conference

(h) Warren Buffett, USA Today Interview, Oct 26, 2013

(k) Warren Buffett, 2004 Berkshire Hathaway Shareholders Meeting