Dear Woody

Dear Woody,

The Republicans have achieved overwhelming success in the midterm elections of the U.S. Senate.  What will be the impact on the country?

- Polly Tsai

A Rant On Soccer

This year, Sprout's soccer organization decided to let the kids of the head coaches choose the name of their team for the upcoming season.  I thought that was a really nice and fun gesture.  Unfortunately, by the time I got around to responding to the email, the most popular names on the list were gone.  Sprout's first choice was Sharks.  Taken.  His next choice was Tigers.  Taken.  So instead of continuing to go back and forth between Sprout and the team coordinator, I had Sprout prioritize the remaining options.  And then, just in case those were all taken, Sprout decided to add a few names of his own:

1. Koalas
2. Monkeys
3. Tractors
4. Rope Guys

I am pretty sure Rope Guys will be available.

Your Income is FINE

About a year ago, Fern asked me if I could purchase a video game for him.

"Why should I buy it for you?"

"Because I really, really want it!"

"Then buy it yourself.  You have all that birthday money, Fern.  You can afford it."

"That's not the point."

"Okay, Fern.  Then what is the point?"

"It's soooo expensive.  It's not worth the money."

"So you don't want to waste your money, you want to waste my money?"

"Exactly."

Even just a modicum of shame would have been nice.

A Rant for Hallowe'en

Warning: In honor of Hallowe'en, the following is a terrifying tale of horror and despair.  An early retiree realizes he is trapped in a never ending labyrinth of consumerism from which he is powerless to escape.  Read on...if you dare!

Once upon an evening dreary, surfing sites, my eyes so bleary,
Searching for the best (sans Siri) snobby, foo foo, online store;
Eyes at rest (I was not napping), suddenly there came a tapping,
Was it UPS come rapping, rapping my McMansion door?
"Stuff, more stuff!" my gums were flapping, "on the other side of door!
One more package, yes, one more!"

The Big American Dream (Part 2)

When I was in college, I had a girlfriend who was a lot of fun to be around.  She was super cute and clever.  Funny.  Lots of laughter.  Lots of energy.  Full of life.

One day, I am driving her home when she asks me to make a quick detour.  She said it would take a bit longer, but she really wanted to show me something.  So, I followed her instructions, and we started up this small hill overlooking the valley where she lived.

We were soon in the midst of huge, "luxurious" McMansions.  She started talking.

"I really like this one.  And wait...especially THAT one.  And...that one.  But my favorite is the one coming up...it is...THAT one!  I LOVE that one!"

It was right then, at that exact moment, that I had one of the greatest epiphanies of my entire life:

Whoa.  Can't marry this one.

  

Dear Woody

Dear Woody,

I am intrigued by the recently announced split of an industry icon.  I was genuinely surprised, given all the years it was held together, not to mention the commitment that was countlessly reinforced with the press.  What is your take on all of this?

- Dazed and Confused

 

Global Warming: The Rant

When Fern was about four, he had a friend whose father worked for me.  One day, Fern came home from preschool and headed straight to me. 

"Poppa?"

"Hi Fern!  How are you?" 

"Upton told me you are the boss of everyone at work.  Are you the boss of everyone?"

"No, Fern, I am not.  Not even close." 

I could see the disappointment on Fern's face.  He thought carefully about my response, and then asked,
 

"I can still believe it, though, right Poppa?"

Broader and Deeper. Maybe.

 

"Mr. Deadwood, I have a question."

"Sure, Holly.  Shoot."

"I was wondering why you don't talk about anything in your blog other than early retirement."

"Uh, well, it's an early retirement blog."

"Tentative"

"Tentative"

Another Original Screenplay

by

Oregon Deadwood

FADE IN:

INT. DEADWOOD'S HOME - 3 AM

DEADWOOD, a middle-aged, average height, still balding (turns out, Rogaine's no panacea) blogger from the Northwest is fast asleep in bed when he hears a loud banging on his front door.

Freedom vs. Happiness

Fern was about three years old when he asked Rooty and me for 

1. a brother
2. a sister
3. a dog
4. a cat

In that priority order.

It took us awhile, but we finally got him a baby brother.  But the addition of Sprout to the family wasn't quite what Fern envisioned.  Months later, when Sprout was about eight months old, Fern came back to us and announced:

"Mm..I think I want a dog, instead."

 

Never one to miss an opportunity, I replied:

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?  They've got a 90 day exchange policy, I can't do anything about it now!"

My Baseball Rant

When Fern first picked up a baseball bat at the age of two, he was absolutely delighted.  He had no idea he could launch a ball so far by swinging a bat.  He would roll on the floor with laughter every time he did it.  But sometimes, he would miss my pitches.  And once, when he missed several in a row, he got frustrated.  With me.  He pointed to his bat and said, "See the bat, Poppa?  See the bat?"

Apparently, I was not doing my job.

Timing Your Retirement

I never understood why people hate jury duty.  Most seem to just gripe and complain about it.  I even have a friend who grew a beard and dressed like a hippie so he would get excused.  (It worked.)  (Of course, if you knew him, you'd know he was going to be excused anyway.)

Me, I always wanted to serve.  I saw it as my right and my duty to participate.  I also always figured it would be really interesting.  One day, when Fern was in Kindergarten, I finally got my chance.  The night before my big day, I was planning logistics with Rooty at dinner.  (We share a car.)  Fern was puzzled.

"Poppa, why do you have to go the courthouse?"

"I am on jury duty."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, I get to help decide who is a good guy and who is a bad guy."

Fern got up out of his chair and walked over to me.  He put his hand to my ear and whispered.

"If he has a gun or a mask, he's a bad guy."

Stuff Is Bad

One warm summer afternoon, I was shooting the breeze with a friend of mine who had just graduated from college.  He had landed a nice high tech job in Silicon Valley, and like the rest of us recent grads, had money for the first time in his life.

"I'm thinking of getting a new car."

"Oh?  What kind?"

"A Ferrari."

"Wh...seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, but then what will you get after that?  A space shuttle?"

Don't Hurry, Be Happy.

A few months ago, Fern was driving me bananas.  Every stinkin' day he would ask the same thing over and over again.

"Can you buy me a shaver?"

"Can you buy me a shaver?"

"Can you buy me a shaver?"

He did not need a shaver.  But the peach fuzz over his lip was just visible enough to convince him that he did.

Then, one day, in a moment of either weakness or generosity (I'm not sure which) I finally broke down and bought him one.  The cheapest one I could find.  He was thrilled.  And because he stopped bugging me, I was too.  At least, at first.  But then he used that dang thing five times a day.

(There is only one guy on the planet who needs to shave that often.  I won't mention names.  But you know who you are, Klip.)

Dear Deady

Dear Woody,

I have been tracking my expenses just like you advise.  Turns out, I spend way too much on junk food.  I just can't help it!  After a long day at work, I like to unwind in front of the television and graze.  Don't tell me to stop buying snacks.  I try, but I can only shop right after work and that is when I am most vulnerable.  Help!

- Couch Potato Chips

"How Much Do I Need?"

About a year ago, the whole family was in the car, rushing out of the house one morning.  Our first stop was Sprout's preschool.  As we were running late, Rooty had asked Fern to help Sprout put on his socks.  Fern tried, but then complained.
 

Fern: He won't let me.

Rooty: What do you mean?

Fern: Instead of giving me his feet, he's hiding them from me.

Rooty: Sprout, you can help, too, you know.

Sprout: No, I can't.

Rooty: What do you mean?

Sprout: Fern already has his shoes and socks on.

Intentional Time

I was an engineering major.  Hated it.  To avoid dying of complete boredom, I took a couple of philosophy electives.  Lots of words in philosophy.  Lots of big words in philosophy.  And soooo esoteric.  But I did manage to take away a few really deep and powerful concepts:

1. You don't lead an intentional life until you come to terms with your own death. 
2. In general, female philosophy students are better looking than their engineering counterparts. 
3. But then again, they don't shave their armpits. 
4. Still, why should I complain about that?  It's not like they talk to me, anyway.

I paid good money for my education.
 

Rule 3: Invest Wisely (The Rock Stars)

"The Intervention"

An Original Screenplay

by

Oregon Deadwood

FADE IN:

INT. DEADWOOD'S HOME - EVENING

Three well-dressed, distinguished, intelligent, white males sit on an old and uncomfortable couch.  Well, two are distinguished.  One is kind of frumpy.  All are clearly annoyed and impatient. 

DEADWOOD, a middle-aged, average height, balding (don't you think he knows that?) blogger from the Northwest is running around putting snacks on the coffee table (chips, nuts, beer).  The doorbell rings.  Deadwood anxiously answers the door.

Healthcare Costs

To keep busy in retirement, I volunteer quite a bit.  For instance, I help in Fern's math class on Thursdays.  I really enjoy it.  It makes me feel smarter than those around me.  Also, taller.

A couple of months ago, the kids were learning fractions and the teacher handed out worksheets for them to practice.  After struggling with the concept for awhile, one student asked for help.

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Well, you are given two different fractions.  You are supposed to come up with a number that is greater than the smaller one, but less than the larger one."

"...?"

"It's a little different than most of the math problems you solve.  Don't worry about finding THE answer.  There is no single answer.  In fact, there are an infinite number of possible answers."

"Do I have to list all of them?"

Killer Fees

When I was in grad school, a very silly woman lived in my dorm.  About halfway through the second semester, she decided to fall in love with Gerard Depardieu.  She had never seen one of his movies.  Her knowledge of him came from a single article she read that waxed on about him.  But that was enough for her.  Everything from that point on was Gerard Depardieu this, and Gerard Depardieu that.

(In part, I think she just liked saying his name.  And let's be honest, who doesn't?  It's totally fun.  Try it with me.  Gerard Depardieu, Gerard Depardieu, Gerard Depardieu.  See?)
 

Don't Budget, Be Happy

Say you've been reading this blog for awhile now, and you are actually inspired.  Okay, let's be realistic.  So instead, let's say you're like, "Wow, that Deadwood is a complete waste of carbon.  But I do want to save more."  So you sit down and start working on a budget.

Don't.

Seriously.

Don't.

Rule 3: Invest Wisely (The Experts)

Several years out of college, I was having dinner with a few of my old high school buddies.  One of them, Filmore, was making an observation about cultural shifts, and lamenting our relatively disadvantaged social life growing up.

"Today, it's great.  High school kids just don't seem to care about race.  They intermingle much more, now.  In fact, interracial dating is really common.  We would have done a lot more dating if it was like this when we were teenagers."

 I was floored.  I had a completely different understanding.

"Fil, the reason we didn't get dates in high school isn't because we were minorities.  The reason we didn't get dates in high school is because we were nerds!"

 It never even occurred to him.
 

Why "Deadwood?"

"So how did you come up with your blog name, anyway?"

"Do you know how hard it is to come up with a new name on the internet?  Everything is taken.  There is no original thought.  Someone once said that."

The Big American Dream (Part 1)

A recent Forbes article talks about "the American dream of home ownership."  Housingwire.com asserts that "most view becoming a homeowner as...a chance to put down roots and fulfill the American Dream."  Whitehouse.gov dedicates an entire blog post to how Obama is "Promoting the American Dream of Homeownership."

So when did the American Dream become all about home ownership?  The whole concept must have shifted over the decades.  It used to be about things like freedom, and opportunity, and equality.  Yeah, I know there was never an exact definition.  But I also know that when I was a boy, back in the seventies, it had nothing to do with home ownership.  (Although, I seem to recall it had a lot to do with Farrah Fawcett.)
 

An Olympic Rant

Early retirement affords a lot of free time.  And what's better than wasting it in front of the television?  Like millions of people around the globe, I'm watching the Olympics.  For me, it's..fine.  For my boys, it is almost magical.  The other night, we turn on the television.  Some guy is figure skating.  You know, the one with the sequins.  He's hitting his quad, he's sit-spinning, he's impressing artistically.  And my younger son is amazed.

Sprout: Wow, he's really good!

Deadwood: He sure is.

Sprout: He can even skate backwards!

Rule 3: Invest Wisely (The Theory)

Early retirement requires sound investing.  Figuring out what that means can be tricky.

Let's say some guy is raising a family of four on a mere $300 a week.  And each week, he spends $50 of that $300 on lottery tickets.  Bad decision, right?  Now let's say one particular week he actually wins.  Like, $50 million kind of win.  Hmmm...good decision after all?
 

The Shopping Rant

When you retire, you undergo a whole new set of experiences.  Even the old experiences become new experiences.  Like shopping, for instance.  Before retirement, it was...what's the word I'm looking for...unbearable.  But now, in retirement, it's more complicated.  It's good, bad, and ugly.
 

Make The Choice

My wife, Rooty, and I are far from perfect savers.  We don't scrimp and save every penny.  We eat out too much.  And occasionally, we buy stuff we never use and never will.  (The latest: A Costco ham.  What were we thinking??)  But one thing we did do right was make a very important, conscious choice early on.
 

Rule 2: Save Like Crazy

Save as much as you can.  And then save more.  The benefits are enormous.  First, you have more money.  (You can trust me on this one.  I have an MBA.)  The second benefit isn't quite so obvious, but can be even more important - it lasts even longer.  Huh?
 

Rule 1: Earn A Good Income

I have a friend who is passionate about everything.  Whatever he is working on is vitally important.  His hobbies are endlessly fascinating.  His every thought is profoundly insightful.  It's like, every bone in his body is oozing with passion.

Me?  My bones are  filled with "meh."
 

Early Retirement: 3 Simple Rules

I get asked all the time what my secret was: how was I able to retire early?  Well, I didn't win the lottery.  I didn't strike it rich with stock options.  I didn't make a shrewd investment in Indonesian timber or buy Google at its IPO.

But that's good news.  You don't need blind luck or prescience.  Retiring early is possible if you follow these three simple rules:
 

Yet Another Blog

Yeah.  I know.  Yet another hopeful who thinks he has something people want to read.  In my defense, some people actually asked me to start a blog.  And they may even read it.