"Tentative"

"Tentative"

Another Original Screenplay

by

Oregon Deadwood

FADE IN:

INT. DEADWOOD'S HOME - 3 AM

DEADWOOD, a middle-aged, average height, still balding (turns out, Rogaine's no panacea) blogger from the Northwest is fast asleep in bed when he hears a loud banging on his front door.




DEADWOOD, alarmed and suspicious, reaches for his Smith & Wesson Model 36 revolver.  Oh, wait.  That's SERPICO.  DEADWOOD, in a moment of panic, runs to the kitchen and grabs...a spatula.  He turns on the lights and slowly approaches his front door.  He cautiously peers through the peephole and then breathes a sigh of relief.  He yells through the door.

DEADWOOD

Dang it, Slash!  You scared me half to death!

SLASH, middle aged, brash and possibly even hairier than the last time he visited, rolls his eyes in a mixture of disgust and exasperation.


 

SLASH

Don't be a wuss, Dead...uh...let's see.  Ya' know, we'll just go with wuss.  Open the damn door, Deadwuss.  It's freezing out here in my tank top and dolphin shorts.

DEADWOOD

Okay, eeeeeeeewwwww...

 

SLASH

C'mon.  Open up!

 

DEADWOOD reluctantly opens the door.
   

DEADWOOD

Okay, come in, but please don't sit on anything.  It took me two weeks to get all your hair out of the furniture the last...

DEADWOOD is surprised to see that SLASH isn't alone.  Another middle aged man is with him, also dressed in resplendent eighties running gear, complete with headband.  Not as hairy as Slash, but much pastier.  So, take your pick.

DEADWOOD

Oh, uh.  Hello.  I guess.

 
DEADWOOD wants to ask about the clothes, but decides he's better off not knowing.
 

SLASH

Yo, Deadwuss, I'd like you to meet an old buddy of mine from college, Chad Burns.  We were roomies back at Delta Iota Chi.

Okay, that's a funny joke if you know the Greek alphabet.

 

DEADWOOD

Yeah, right, Slash.

 SLASH

No, seriously.  We roomed together for six years.

(Another pretty good college joke.)

DEADWOOD

The notion that you have even set foot on a college campus seems quite improbable, but I'll give you that one.  But do you really expect me to believe his name is Burns?  C'mon.  Slash and Burns?

 

SLASH

Hey, that's his name, all right?  It's not like anyone makes this stuff up.

DEADWOOD

(...)

 

SLASH

(...)

 

DEADWOOD

(...)

 

SLASH

Well, are you inviting us in or not?

 

DEADWOOD

You know, it's late, Slash.  Why don't we meet tomorrow for lunch?

SLASH pulls Deadwood aside and whispers quite loudly.  Because this is Slash.  I mean do you really think he can whisper properly?

 

SLASH

(Dang it, Deadwuss, I thought you were my friend.  He's like a brother to me.  And he's hurting real bad, man.  He needs help.)

 
DEADWOOD mulls it over.

 

DEADWOOD

Uh...okay, yeah.  I'll try to help.  Let me get some bedsheets to drape over the furniture...

DEADWOOD exits the living room.  SLASH flops down on the armchair and pretends to wipe his brow with his shoulder when he's really just smelling his armpit.  (You know the routine.  Who do these guys think they're fooling, anyway?)

BURNS lies down on the couch and rests his forearm across his headband as he crosses his legs.

DEADWOOD returns with the bedsheets, surveys the situation, sighs, and places the sheets on the bookshelf by the fireplace.  He whispers to Slash.

DEADWOOD

(Hey, uh, Slash, why is he lying on my couch?  He's acting like...wait.  You told him I'm a psychiatrist, didn't you?)

SLASH

(Just go with it, Deadwood.  Don't fight me on everything.)

 

DEADWOOD

(I'm not fighting, I just don't want any...)

 

SLASH

So, Deadwuss!  Burns here is really troubled.  He is really tired of working, but he doesn't know if he should retire or not.

 

DEADWOOD

That's it?  No death, no divorce, no depression?  You woke me at three in the morning because he's weighing the pros and cons of retirement?

SLASH

Deadwuss, you dingbat!  Did you really think we'd come to you for help on anything other than retirement?

 

DEADWOOD

I didn't *think* you'd come to me at all.  Frankly, I'm starting to tire of...

SLASH

Hey, Burnsy, tell him what you told me at Hooters.  You know, about your dilemma.

 

BURNS

I don't know.  I mean, I'm excited about retiring, but something is holding me back.  I just can't quite pull the trigger.

 

SLASH

Ha.  Can't pull the trigger.  Sort of like you and your spatula, there, right Deadwuss?

 
DEADWOOD is surprised and embarrassed to find that he is still holding onto the spatula.  He quickly throws it into the fireplace.  Or, he would have, if it weren't for the fact that it's a gas fireplace with one of those glass covers.  The spatula clangs off the glass noisily, and rattles onto the fake hearth.
 

DEADWOOD

Hey, c'mon, how stupid do you have to make me, anyway?

You giving me lip?  Hey, I'll write you right out of the script if you don't watch it. 

DEADWOOD, desperate to change the subject, suddenly shows interest in Burns' woes.
 

DEADWOOD  

Uh, well tell me, Chad...

 

SLASH

Burns.

  

DEADWOOD

Burns.

Why can't you seem to make the leap to retirement?

 

BURNS

Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't be here.  Slash, I thought you said he was bright.

 

SLASH

No, I said he was free.

 

DEADWOOD

Great, welcome to my home, guys.  So, Burns, can you articulate some of your concerns?

 

BURNS

I don't know.  I mean, I guess I'm worried that I won't have enough money.

 

DEADWOOD

Hmmm...That can be a real concern.  Have you ever heard of the 4% rule?

 

BURNS

Yeah, I read your post on that one.  So I tracked my expenses, and even padded them by 25% just to be sure, and my expenses are below that 4% threshold.

 

DEADWOOD

How far below?

 

BURNS

It's sitting at about 2% or so.

 

DEADWOOD

Two percent???  Holy cow.  You really don't have anything to worry about.  Even if you have an unexpected expense or two (or twenty), in all likelihood, you'll easily absorb them.

 

BURNS

What if something really bad happens to the economy?

 

DEADWOOD

At 2%, it would have to be something completely catastrophic.  Like, even worse than the Great Depression.  In that event, having a job wouldn't help you anyway because the whole system would just collapse.  I really don't think money is a realistic concern for you.

 

BURNS

Well, maybe, but I'm used to working.  I've worked ten hour days, forever.  I'm afraid if I don't work, I'll just get bored.

 

DEADWOOD

Yet another reason to retire.

 

BURNS

Say what?  What kind of psychiatrist are you?

DEADWOOD

I am not a psychiatrist!

 

BURNS

(You're telling me.)

DEADWOOD

What I meant was...

 

  

SLASH

Deadwuss, are you even listening to him?

 

DEADWOOD

What..yes, I'm listening.  Burns is basically saying that his life is so empty without work that he'll be bored without it.  I'm saying that's a pretty compelling reason to retire - to create a more fulfilling life.  Because working to avoid boredom - talk about a life of quiet desperation.

 

BURNS

Hey, maybe I enjoy working (you quack).

 

DEADWOOD

Well then, why are you contemplating early retirement (you nut)?  Besides, I enjoy crossword puzzles, but I wouldn't want to do them ten hours a day.  Experience more of life.  You've worked for decades, now.  Try something new.  I'm sure you have a list of things already.

 

BURNS

Yeah, I have a pretty good list.

 

DEADWOOD

Things you would enjoy?

 

BURNS

Of course.  But it somehow just doesn't seem to be enough.  It's missing something.  It just doesn't seem...productive.

 

DEADWOOD

So you're afraid of feeling unproductive in retirement?

 

BURNS

Yeah.  Maybe that's it.

 

DEADWOOD

Well, maybe.  Do you feel productive at work?

 

BURNS

I'm real busy.  People always need something from me.  Usually quite urgently.  And I deliver.

DEADWOOD

Yes, but do you feel truly productive?

 

BURNS

Depends on what you mean, I guess.  Maybe what I do isn't of any real value in a philosophical sense.  But the fact is, I get a lot of stuff done, and I am highly skilled.  And I was recently recognized for it with yet another promotion.  So whether or not I'm productive, I'm accomplished.

 

SLASH 

Ba Bam!  Take that, Deadwuss!

 

 DEADWUSS

(...)

You, too?

 

Sorry.
 

DEADWOOD

It's not a debate, Slash.  I'm just trying to get to the heart of his reluctance.

Burns, let me take a wild guess here.  I'm thinking you were the smartest kid in your elementary school.  Maybe even class valedictorian in high school.  You probably can't just sit in front of the television and watch; you always have to be doing something at the same time.  You have a hard time relaxing on the beach.  Fifteen minutes, and you're ready to go.  Am I close?

 

BURNS

Yeah, that's actually pretty accurate.

 

DEADWOOD

And you probably went to a prestigious university, am I right?

 

BURNS

Yale.

 

DEADWOOD

Yeah, that figures.  Yale.  And I'm guessing...

Wait.  Hold on.  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Does that mean... Slash, YOU went to Yale?  YOU!?

 

SLASH

Lux et Veritas, baby!

 

DEADWOOD

Okay, time OUT.  This is beyond ridiculous.  It is simply unbelievable.  Nothing about it rings true.  I demand an edit!

 
DEADWOOD carries on and on like a little baby, until he suddenly comes to his senses and realizes that he doesn't want to spend the next four screenplays dressed in a pink tutu and flapping his arms like a chicken.  Isn't that right, DEADWUSS?
 

DEADWOOD

Uh...yes.  That's right.

 
Just so's we have an understandin' here.

DEADWOOD

I am deeply sorry for disrespecting you.

Fuhgeddaboudit.

BURNS is tiring.  He takes off his headband as he sits up and rubs his temples.
 

BURNS

So anyway, what's your point, Deadwuss?

 

SLASH

Lord, if I had a dime for every time I asked him that...

 

DEADWOOD

My point is that perhaps for someone like you, the real fear isn't the money.  And it isn't the boredom, or realizing too late that you really like work after all.  And it isn't even about productivity, per se.  I'm guessing it's the fear of no longer achieving.

 

BURNS

So, you're saying I'm vain and shallow?

 

DEADWOOD

Well, no.  You've just been rewarded all your life for your accomplishments.  You like being recognized as one of the smart and successful ones.  You are driven to achieve and you do.

In addition to all that positive feedback is all the pressure you feel from others to continue achieving.  Your past accomplishments have resulted in a social circle of other high achievers who set the bar for you.

I know the pressure.  Of the students in my dorm, one won U.S. Engineer of the Year.  Another one is a published author.  Two are bonafide internet billionaires.  Two others are professors.  One is an appellate court judge.  And heck, one is even the king of a medium-sized European country.  Hard to compete with that.

 

BURNS

Sooooo...don't even try?  Give up?

 

DEADWOOD

Well, don't look at it that way.  You're contemplating early retirement, right?  So, there is probably something inside your head saying that you don't really want to keep striving for meaningless milestones.  You sense that there's something else out there more fulfilling.  Listen to that voice.

 

BURNS

I don't know if I can fight something that's such a part of my DNA.

 

DEADWOOD

Then try to re-define "accomplishment" for yourself.  Forget what society says and come up with a definition that works for you.  Maybe it has to do with feeling centered.  Or maybe it's being the soccer coach every kid wants to play for.  Or at a minimum, go volunteer somewhere and do something with a real impact on others' lives.

BURNS

It just runs so counter to how everyone thinks.

DEADWOOD

Maybe it just runs counter to how everyone thinks they are supposed to think.  Be bold.  Shun the conventional values.  Tune yourself in to the things you truly admire in others.  The friend whose life I most admire?  A frickin' high school science teacher.

 

BURNS

You don't think I'll just sit around and get bored?

 

DEADWOOD

Not a chance.  You aren't wired that way.  You've been active and driven your whole life, right? You'll take all the initiative you'll need.

 

BURNS

Okay.  Well, I'm not sure you're right about all this.  But it's something to think about.

 

DEADWOOD

Yep, it's something to think about.

  
SLASH yawns.
  

SLASH

Hey, uh, thanks, Deadwuss.  But it's getting late and you're keeping us up.  Time for us to go.

SLASH, and then BURNS, get up to leave.

SLASH 

Hey, one last thing.  A bit of hosting advice - serve better refreshments.

 

DEADWOOD

But I don't have any refreshments, Slash.

 

SLASH

Lux et Veritas, baby.  Lux et Veritas.

 
DEADWOOD shows BURNS and SLASH to the door, watches them leave and stretches.  He locks the door, and turns out the lights.  DEADWOOD starts to head back to his bedroom when he hears yet another knock on the door.  Noticing the headband still resting on the couch, he picks it up with the spatula, and opens the door, ready to give it to BURNS.  It ain't BURNS.

 

DEADWOOD

Warren!??

What on earth do you want at this hour?

WARREN

Hamburgers. (a)

 
FADE OUT.

FOOTNOTE
(a) Warren Buffett, 2012 Annual Shareholders Letter